Natasha Fallenover's Blog 15

Nat's Blog 15 Monday
By now you all know me intimidately so Idon't stand on ceremony (only on my toes).
You want to know more about Oops A Daisy ballet company. As you know it started in Dewsbury with just one dancer and a pianist. Now with Arts Council grant of £4-50 they have expansioned to become big and have recruited international ballet persons from all over the place. Some have strange names but I expect they think you have. Here goes:

corpes de ballet
Gethsemini Hypotenuse, Parsifal Skirtingboard, Wombat Yellowgroin,Xerxes Blasphema. Velocity Spearmint, Osmosis Parabola, Archimedes Celocamph. Appotimus Wotnot and Uriah Hep

The Orchestra

Asparagus J. Fortitude (J is for Jim). Genghis Obelisk, Pythagoras Splurting, Pontius Perambulate and Musical Directors: Hugo Yorway and Domestos Spasmodic.

Tuesday.

Olga phones to tell me about audition she did yesterday. It was to join audience in Saturday night TV shows. "They ask her, "Show us how loud you can scream when I blink an eyelid" Then when singer reaches for a slightly higher note you must scream higher" I pass but then we all have to take bus to Covent Garden Opera House and repeat instruction when soprano dies on stage. We are asked to leave. We are then locked in large cupboard until next show". They hire us out.

Wednesday
I enrole for participate in new Saturday night TV show to follow "Strictly Come Dancing" It is for old persons and called "Strictly Come Walking Slowly".

Thursday
Figure out answer to age old quandry. You know when persons cannot answer question they say silly things like "How Long Is A Piece Of String? " Well I can tell you. 24cm exactly.Prove me wrong if you can.. .

Friday. Dimitri dreams up publicity stint.Says we all go round to St Panceas station and on signal we launch into gopak, you know when Ukrainans kneel and defy gravity by flinging legs out to music and shout "Hoy", "Yar", and "Ouch" when break leg. Idea is that we start proceedings and all travellers join in spontaneously. Much merryment and TV cameras there to put us on Six O'Clock News.

We arrive at St. Pancreas and start to gopak. Police come and say we cause disturbance. I say "Yes, that is idea. Big disturbance where everyone join in". Policeman say you can't gopak here you must go back !" He laughs. We continue to gopak and happy travellers join in. Soon almost six ticket collectors form line, place arms round each other and it's go go gopak.

Ambulance arrives and carts us off to A&E for proceedures (operations in old money) due to broken bones and dignity. Over at Waterloo they are doing Flashmob. Next time we try to get mob to flash.

Saturday and Sunday
practice mob flashing in street but get arrested for causing disturbances. Can't win. See you in court 10- am Monday. See you in Trafalgar Square for mass Hokey Cockey. Date and time to be announced. NAT

Natasha Fallenover's Blog 13

Monday

Invited to literally linch to launch of my tome, “Methuselah, The Early Years” where I meet man from Warsaw who loves Anglish newspaper so much he has one flown in every day. Says he is a Telegraph Pole. Ho! how we chortled ! Also introduced to a Cosmo. Couldn't help asking him if he was Cosmo Politan. More chuckles.

Introduced to literally giant Sebastian Chatworthy. To get conversation going I ask him, “Tell me Bastian how did you get your knighthood ? He walked away.No humour senses.

Speaking of knighthoods reminds me of footballer who when asked if he would like a knighthood said, “No it would come off when he turned over in bed”.

Tuesday.

Flew to New York but engine trouble provoked pilot to announce slight engine failure. We will force come down in Newfoundland. An hour later he said he couldn’t find it.

To pass time I think up backwards names for famous double acts-Wise and Morecambe, Hardy and Laurel. Cowell and Simon.

Wednesday Slobodan, my faithless assistant, says we should go watch Rugby. We head north on M1, turn off onM6, turn left and pull in at lay by.

“So, where is activity we have come to see ? I say. Slob has quickfire answer. “Look, Rugby- a great little town Could watch it all day. Tomorrow we go watch Badminton. Another great little town They have horse trials. Last time I go three were found guilty and two were acquitted”.

Thursday. Read Peace and War frontwards. Standing on head. It was Dmitri’s . Invite fiends round for drink and games. Get in crater of beer. First game we play Tiddly Winks. Drink beer, get tiddly and wink at nice men. Then pay forfeit. No details.

Friday A person called Badly Drawn Boy phones to say can I do guest appearance in his stage show. I tell him I am beautiful painted geriatric and put phone down. Cheeky.

Saturday I give first lesson to ballet person, Miranda Verandah, Dim's new squeeze. She not best pleased when I give her invoice for £2. 50 plus VAT. Cheap price for learning pas de deaux in half an hour and I give her phone number of Covent Garden Opera house. What more does she expect ?

Sunday Anatole, my unknown famous movie man phones to say he make error when he persistently told me Hollywood was interested in my prediction of "King Kong-The Ballet". He said he meant Hollyhead, however he gave me good news that he went to boot sale and bought the world's smallest King Kong. He is just three foot high. "Sign him" I say. We make a packet.

Tickety boo to you all. See you next week. Nat

NATASHA FALLENOVER'S BLOG 13

Natasha’s Blog 13 Daily activities and doings

Monday

Invited to literally linch to launch of my tome, “Methuselah, The Early Years” where I meet man from Warsaw who loves Anglish newspaper so much he has one flown in every day. Says he is a Telegraph Pole. Ho! how we chortled !

Introduced to literally giant Sebastian Chatworthy. To get conversation going I ask him, “Tell me Bastion how did you get your knighthood ? He walked away.

Speaking of knighthoods reminds me of footballer who when asked if he would like a knighthood said, “No it would come off when he turned over in bed”.

Tuesday.

Flew to New York but engine trouble provoked pilot to announce slight engine failure. We will force come down in Newfoundland. An hour later he said he couldn’t find it.

To pass time I think up backwards names for famous double acts-Wise and Morecambe, Hardy and Laurel. Cowell and Simon.

Wednesday Slobodan, my faithless assistant, says we should go watch sporting activities. We head north on M1, turn off onM6 and along A …., Pull in at lay by.

“So, where is activity we have come to see ? I say. Slob has quickfire answer. “Look, Rugby a great little town Could watch it all day. Tomorrow we go watch Badminton. Another great little town They have horse trials. Last time I go three were found guilty and two were acquitted”.

Thursday. Read Peace and War frontwards. Standing on head. It was Dmitri’s .

Natasha Fallenover's Blog 12:

Natasha Fallenover's Blog No. 12

Here I am again and giving you all of my news of daily doings.
Moon day 8am
My old school comrade Olga Korzitzov (Ripper) dropped by to relate anecdotes she has collected. When she went for first interviewing for job she was asked personal questions such as, "Are you a virgin ?". She answered, "No, but I'm working on it"

Then she was asked, "When did you leave school". Crafty thing answered, "About four fifteen".And when did she start work. Would you believe she said, "Nine fifteen am "

To the question, "What hobbies do you have ?" she replied, "Mountaineering".I collect ear rings shaped like mountains". "What qualifications do you have". "I got an A in History". Interview man say, "Don't be silly. There is no A in History"

Tuesday. Olga still here. I offer her coffee and a brownie. She says she would rather have a boy scout. Silly comrade. We go to have her meet my next door neighbour who lives just next door. She is the Hon. Lady Felicity Ponsonby-Fitzherbert. Olga says "I bet she does".Silly comrade. Pons, as we next door neighbours call her, has fallen on hard times and has taken job as school crossing lady. Lady P asks Olga if she has ever been to Patagonia. "No", says Olga, " But I once stroked one at the Moscow zoo".

Wednesday. Dusting flat and find posh envelope down back of sofa. Open envelope and find invitation to Royal Wedding signed by Willie. It was last week so my ballet dance down knave is wasted and I rehearsed it for five weeks.Never mind. Save it for Harry's weeding.

Thursday.I go to watch the over eighties trampoline team rehearserising for the Olympics. One or two grazed knees but only three taken to hospital. My personal team, Dimitri and Slobadom hope to enter synchronised swearing event at Chorlton Cum Hardy Olympics.

Friday, Postponed "Take Your Horse To Work" day is causing traffic chaos and getting animals into lifts is proving a problem. Not much work getting done, I think.

NATASHA FALLENOVER BOG 10

My daily doings

Monday
You know I am far too honest. When newspapers publish review of my performances I don’t just pick out the good bits to put in advertisements. Take this one, critic said, “Uplifting”. Then he added, “ After five minutes I uplifted myself from my seat and left”.
Must have had pressing engagement. “Highly revealing masterpiece” said another. critique. adding. “Curtain went up revealing set with a copy of a masterpiece by Monet. This was best part of performance”. And, not forgetting, “The British Ballet could not have given a better performance if they had been performing in a community hut in the Outer Hebrides”.

Tuesday.
To Buckingham Palace, which is not in Buckingham like Windsor Palace is in Windsor , for garden party. I make gesture by taking along some “Hairy Fairy Cakes” as contribution to picnic. I meet Queen and Prince Charlie who remembers me from last investigature when he gave me Life Time Achievement Award for services to something or other, I forget what. Dim and Slob peer through railings and cheer when I walk past. No one asks me to dance.

Wednesday.
Dimitri phones to tell me about latest squeeze, Miranda Veranda, who he met in Mayfair’s hippest posh nightie-sorry nighterie- Drinkypoos. They spend nighterie together waiting for taxi. Wind up at YMCA. But guess what, she is ballet dancer person. Dim wants to bring her round. I mean Dim wants to bring her round for meeting so I can teach her a few tricks of the trade as they say in West Hartlepool. Little does she know I charge £2 an hour for lessons. And no cheques.
Thursday.
We fairies get a raw deal. I am a Sugar Plum Fairy and a hairy one at that. Today I read newspaper story that tooth fairies are demanding a wage rise. When I was six I got half a rouble under my pillow when a new tooth arrived. Today in your country it’s a fivver or nothing .and quite right too. The cost of chewing has gone up and have you seen the price of tooth brushes? Why don’t you call them teeth brushes unless the have them for peoples with only one tooth?
Friday
We all go on picnic to Hyde park. And I tell Dimitri, my choreographer, and Slobadom, my tour manager, my plans for King Kong-The Ballet. I tell them I am great fan of Fat Boy Slim so I am going to put Dim and Slob in prodiction of show as Tall Boy Short and Dim Boy Thick. They will sing duets and dance to frighten King Kong away. Shouldn’t be difficult.
Saturday.
When I was little ballet child my mother knitted me a swimming costume but it soon got holes in the elbows and knees, so I tell her to stop knitting swimming things and knit me a tutu. It, too, got holes in the knees. However I won wet tutu contest in Vladivostok and I was on my way as you say in Cardiff.
Sunday
Well here it is at last. “Take Your Horse To Work Day”. All over your lovely country peoples are riding their horses to place of employmental instead of using horsepower in car. Except it is Sunday and all places of employmental are closed. Try again tomorrow.

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

NATASHA FALLENOVER BLOG 9
My daily doings.

Monday.My cousin Laszlo is doing Europe and come for coffee. He tells amusing story of dining in Dublin. He say nice restaurant, great food but best of all wonderful waiter who pampered to every whim. Brought saucer for cup of coffee, fetched fork and knife, gave HP sauce from next table. After meal Laz thought, must give gratuity to waiter but could not find him. He asked manager for whereabouts of waiter. “Ah,” said manager, “That would be old Shamus-the best waiter in all Ireland. He is a very rare man. What we call a rarie, old Irish word for very special person. But he’s gone home and he lives twenty miles away. If you happened to heading north you could call in on him if you really wanted to show your appreciation.” Oh, no” said Laz.Twenty miles you say? It’s a long way to tip a rarrie”. Side split eh ?

Tuesday Grand opening of Natasha Fallenover Ballet School I go along to make speech and show pupils how to pas de deux on your own. Lots of celebs attend but Darcey says sorry cannot come. Touring with nice Wales girl. Dim and Slob show off their tights stall (50% off – one tight only) and members of Ooopsadaisy Ballet Company sell tickets for their next prediction- Swan Lake On Ice. The levitation scene has to be seen to be scene.

Wednesday.Walking through Hyde Park when my new mobile phone rings. It is cousin Laszlo.”Hello”, he says, “Lazlo here”. “That is amazing”, I say, “How did you know I was here ?” We chat for hours. I tell him time very long ago when I played in “Joseph And His Amazing Black And White Dreamcoat”. He comes back with funnier antiquedote, “ Did I know”, he says, “When philosopher John Donne said ‘No man is an island’, he overlooked the Isle Of Man?”. I say, “Why is a vote in parliament like Picasso painting?” He doesn’t know so I tell him,- “Eyes to the right, nose to the left and all mouth in the middle”. He laughs till sides split and has to be stretch red to hospital. Eye, nose and throat hospital, no doubt.

Thursday Man on radio says 50% of all road accidents occur within five miles of home. So why don’t peoples move ten miles away ? Anatole, my faithless producer, phones to chat about next prediction. He says there is too much sex and violence in the theatre so they are putting up signs asking for audiences to behave themselves.

FridayI am guest of honour at big do in city. Lots of fund managers, brokers, corporate chappies and loan sharks. We are here to celebrate amalgamation of the EU and NATO to be known under the acronym EURO-NATE. Too many vodkas and I sing, “Hairy Fairy” in street at 4am Police arrest me just as paparazzi take snapshots of me falling about. Dim and Slob hand out exclusive rights contract to ten photographers. We make a packet as you say in East Finchley.

Saturday Stock taking my handbag.

SundaySobering up. Read Tolstoy’s Peace & War backwards. Thinking of becoming suffragette in convent. Toodle pip until next week. Nat
Posted by Don Read at 07:03

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NATASHA FALLENOVER BLOG 9

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

My daily doings.
Monday.My cousin Laszlo is doing Europe and come for coffee. He tells amusing story of dining in Dublin. He say nice restaurant, great food but best of all wonderful waiter who pampered to every whim. Brought saucer for cup of coffee, fetched fork and knife, gave HP sauce from next table. After meal Laz thought, must give gratuity to waiter but could not find him. He asked manager for whereabouts of waiter. “Ah,” said manager, “That would be old Shamus-the best waiter in all Ireland. He is a very rare man. What we call a rarie, old Irish word for very special person. But he’s gone home and he lives twenty miles away. If you happened to heading north you could call in on him if you really wanted to show your appreciation.” Oh, no” said Laz.Twenty miles you say? It’s a long way to tip a rarrie”. Side split eh ?
Tuesday Grand opening of Rudemiller Fallenover Ballet School I go along to make speech and show pupils how to pas de deux on your own. Lots of celebs attend but Darcey says sorry cannot come. Touring with nice Wales girl. Dim and Slob show off their tights stall (50% off – one tight only) and members of Ooopsadaisy Ballet Company sell tickets for their next prediction- Swan Lake On Ice. The levitation scene has to be seen to be scene.
Wednesday.Walking through Hyde Park when my new mobile phone rings. It is cousin Laszlo.”Hello”, he says, “Lazlo here”. “That is amazing”, I say, “How did you know I was here ?” We chat for hours. I tell him time very long ago when I played in “Joseph And His Amazing Black And White Dreamcoat”. He comes back with funnier antiquedote, “ Did I know”, he says, “When philosopher John Donne said ‘No man is an island’, he overlooked the Isle Of Man?”. I say, “Why is a vote in parliament like Picasso painting?” He doesn’t know so I tell him,- “Eyes to the right, nose to the left and all mouth in the middle”. He laughs till sides split and has to be stretch red to hospital. Eye, nose and throat hospital, no doubt.
ThursdayMan on radio says 50% of all road accidents occur within five miles of home. So why don’t peoples move ten miles away ? Anatole, my faithless producer, phones to chat about next prediction. He says there is too much sex and violence in the theatre so they are putting up signs asking for audiences to behave themselves.
FridayI am guest of honour at big do in city. Lots of fund managers, brokers, corporate chappies and loan sharks. We are here to celebrate amalgamation of the EU and NATO to be known under the acronym EURO-NATE. Too many vodkas and I sing, “Hairy Fairy” in street at 4am Police arrest me just as paparazzi take snapshots of me falling about. Dim and Slob hand out exclusive rights contract to ten photographers. We make a packet as you say in East Finchley.
Saturday & SundaySobering up. Read Tolstoy’s Peace & War backwards. Thinking of becoming suffragette in convent. Toodle pip until next week. Rude
Posted by Don Read at 07:03 0 comments