My daily doings
Monday
You know I am far too honest. When newspapers publish review of my performances I don’t just pick out the good bits to put in advertisements. Take this one, critic said, “Uplifting”. Then he added, “ After five minutes I uplifted myself from my seat and left”.
Must have had pressing engagement. “Highly revealing masterpiece” said another. critique. adding. “Curtain went up revealing set with a copy of a masterpiece by Monet. This was best part of performance”. And, not forgetting, “The British Ballet could not have given a better performance if they had been performing in a community hut in the Outer Hebrides”.
Tuesday.
To Buckingham Palace, which is not in Buckingham like Windsor Palace is in Windsor , for garden party. I make gesture by taking along some “Hairy Fairy Cakes” as contribution to picnic. I meet Queen and Prince Charlie who remembers me from last investigature when he gave me Life Time Achievement Award for services to something or other, I forget what. Dim and Slob peer through railings and cheer when I walk past. No one asks me to dance.
Wednesday.
Dimitri phones to tell me about latest squeeze, Miranda Veranda, who he met in Mayfair’s hippest posh nightie-sorry nighterie- Drinkypoos. They spend nighterie together waiting for taxi. Wind up at YMCA. But guess what, she is ballet dancer person. Dim wants to bring her round. I mean Dim wants to bring her round for meeting so I can teach her a few tricks of the trade as they say in West Hartlepool. Little does she know I charge £2 an hour for lessons. And no cheques.
Thursday.
We fairies get a raw deal. I am a Sugar Plum Fairy and a hairy one at that. Today I read newspaper story that tooth fairies are demanding a wage rise. When I was six I got half a rouble under my pillow when a new tooth arrived. Today in your country it’s a fivver or nothing .and quite right too. The cost of chewing has gone up and have you seen the price of tooth brushes? Why don’t you call them teeth brushes unless the have them for peoples with only one tooth?
Friday
We all go on picnic to Hyde park. And I tell Dimitri, my choreographer, and Slobadom, my tour manager, my plans for King Kong-The Ballet. I tell them I am great fan of Fat Boy Slim so I am going to put Dim and Slob in prodiction of show as Tall Boy Short and Dim Boy Thick. They will sing duets and dance to frighten King Kong away. Shouldn’t be difficult.
Saturday.
When I was little ballet child my mother knitted me a swimming costume but it soon got holes in the elbows and knees, so I tell her to stop knitting swimming things and knit me a tutu. It, too, got holes in the knees. However I won wet tutu contest in Vladivostok and I was on my way as you say in Cardiff.
Sunday
Well here it is at last. “Take Your Horse To Work Day”. All over your lovely country peoples are riding their horses to place of employmental instead of using horsepower in car. Except it is Sunday and all places of employmental are closed. Try again tomorrow.
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