NATASHA FALLENOVER BOG 10

My daily doings

Monday
You know I am far too honest. When newspapers publish review of my performances I don’t just pick out the good bits to put in advertisements. Take this one, critic said, “Uplifting”. Then he added, “ After five minutes I uplifted myself from my seat and left”.
Must have had pressing engagement. “Highly revealing masterpiece” said another. critique. adding. “Curtain went up revealing set with a copy of a masterpiece by Monet. This was best part of performance”. And, not forgetting, “The British Ballet could not have given a better performance if they had been performing in a community hut in the Outer Hebrides”.

Tuesday.
To Buckingham Palace, which is not in Buckingham like Windsor Palace is in Windsor , for garden party. I make gesture by taking along some “Hairy Fairy Cakes” as contribution to picnic. I meet Queen and Prince Charlie who remembers me from last investigature when he gave me Life Time Achievement Award for services to something or other, I forget what. Dim and Slob peer through railings and cheer when I walk past. No one asks me to dance.

Wednesday.
Dimitri phones to tell me about latest squeeze, Miranda Veranda, who he met in Mayfair’s hippest posh nightie-sorry nighterie- Drinkypoos. They spend nighterie together waiting for taxi. Wind up at YMCA. But guess what, she is ballet dancer person. Dim wants to bring her round. I mean Dim wants to bring her round for meeting so I can teach her a few tricks of the trade as they say in West Hartlepool. Little does she know I charge £2 an hour for lessons. And no cheques.
Thursday.
We fairies get a raw deal. I am a Sugar Plum Fairy and a hairy one at that. Today I read newspaper story that tooth fairies are demanding a wage rise. When I was six I got half a rouble under my pillow when a new tooth arrived. Today in your country it’s a fivver or nothing .and quite right too. The cost of chewing has gone up and have you seen the price of tooth brushes? Why don’t you call them teeth brushes unless the have them for peoples with only one tooth?
Friday
We all go on picnic to Hyde park. And I tell Dimitri, my choreographer, and Slobadom, my tour manager, my plans for King Kong-The Ballet. I tell them I am great fan of Fat Boy Slim so I am going to put Dim and Slob in prodiction of show as Tall Boy Short and Dim Boy Thick. They will sing duets and dance to frighten King Kong away. Shouldn’t be difficult.
Saturday.
When I was little ballet child my mother knitted me a swimming costume but it soon got holes in the elbows and knees, so I tell her to stop knitting swimming things and knit me a tutu. It, too, got holes in the knees. However I won wet tutu contest in Vladivostok and I was on my way as you say in Cardiff.
Sunday
Well here it is at last. “Take Your Horse To Work Day”. All over your lovely country peoples are riding their horses to place of employmental instead of using horsepower in car. Except it is Sunday and all places of employmental are closed. Try again tomorrow.

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

NATASHA FALLENOVER BLOG 9
My daily doings.

Monday.My cousin Laszlo is doing Europe and come for coffee. He tells amusing story of dining in Dublin. He say nice restaurant, great food but best of all wonderful waiter who pampered to every whim. Brought saucer for cup of coffee, fetched fork and knife, gave HP sauce from next table. After meal Laz thought, must give gratuity to waiter but could not find him. He asked manager for whereabouts of waiter. “Ah,” said manager, “That would be old Shamus-the best waiter in all Ireland. He is a very rare man. What we call a rarie, old Irish word for very special person. But he’s gone home and he lives twenty miles away. If you happened to heading north you could call in on him if you really wanted to show your appreciation.” Oh, no” said Laz.Twenty miles you say? It’s a long way to tip a rarrie”. Side split eh ?

Tuesday Grand opening of Natasha Fallenover Ballet School I go along to make speech and show pupils how to pas de deux on your own. Lots of celebs attend but Darcey says sorry cannot come. Touring with nice Wales girl. Dim and Slob show off their tights stall (50% off – one tight only) and members of Ooopsadaisy Ballet Company sell tickets for their next prediction- Swan Lake On Ice. The levitation scene has to be seen to be scene.

Wednesday.Walking through Hyde Park when my new mobile phone rings. It is cousin Laszlo.”Hello”, he says, “Lazlo here”. “That is amazing”, I say, “How did you know I was here ?” We chat for hours. I tell him time very long ago when I played in “Joseph And His Amazing Black And White Dreamcoat”. He comes back with funnier antiquedote, “ Did I know”, he says, “When philosopher John Donne said ‘No man is an island’, he overlooked the Isle Of Man?”. I say, “Why is a vote in parliament like Picasso painting?” He doesn’t know so I tell him,- “Eyes to the right, nose to the left and all mouth in the middle”. He laughs till sides split and has to be stretch red to hospital. Eye, nose and throat hospital, no doubt.

Thursday Man on radio says 50% of all road accidents occur within five miles of home. So why don’t peoples move ten miles away ? Anatole, my faithless producer, phones to chat about next prediction. He says there is too much sex and violence in the theatre so they are putting up signs asking for audiences to behave themselves.

FridayI am guest of honour at big do in city. Lots of fund managers, brokers, corporate chappies and loan sharks. We are here to celebrate amalgamation of the EU and NATO to be known under the acronym EURO-NATE. Too many vodkas and I sing, “Hairy Fairy” in street at 4am Police arrest me just as paparazzi take snapshots of me falling about. Dim and Slob hand out exclusive rights contract to ten photographers. We make a packet as you say in East Finchley.

Saturday Stock taking my handbag.

SundaySobering up. Read Tolstoy’s Peace & War backwards. Thinking of becoming suffragette in convent. Toodle pip until next week. Nat
Posted by Don Read at 07:03

0 comments:

NATASHA FALLENOVER BLOG 9

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

My daily doings.
Monday.My cousin Laszlo is doing Europe and come for coffee. He tells amusing story of dining in Dublin. He say nice restaurant, great food but best of all wonderful waiter who pampered to every whim. Brought saucer for cup of coffee, fetched fork and knife, gave HP sauce from next table. After meal Laz thought, must give gratuity to waiter but could not find him. He asked manager for whereabouts of waiter. “Ah,” said manager, “That would be old Shamus-the best waiter in all Ireland. He is a very rare man. What we call a rarie, old Irish word for very special person. But he’s gone home and he lives twenty miles away. If you happened to heading north you could call in on him if you really wanted to show your appreciation.” Oh, no” said Laz.Twenty miles you say? It’s a long way to tip a rarrie”. Side split eh ?
Tuesday Grand opening of Rudemiller Fallenover Ballet School I go along to make speech and show pupils how to pas de deux on your own. Lots of celebs attend but Darcey says sorry cannot come. Touring with nice Wales girl. Dim and Slob show off their tights stall (50% off – one tight only) and members of Ooopsadaisy Ballet Company sell tickets for their next prediction- Swan Lake On Ice. The levitation scene has to be seen to be scene.
Wednesday.Walking through Hyde Park when my new mobile phone rings. It is cousin Laszlo.”Hello”, he says, “Lazlo here”. “That is amazing”, I say, “How did you know I was here ?” We chat for hours. I tell him time very long ago when I played in “Joseph And His Amazing Black And White Dreamcoat”. He comes back with funnier antiquedote, “ Did I know”, he says, “When philosopher John Donne said ‘No man is an island’, he overlooked the Isle Of Man?”. I say, “Why is a vote in parliament like Picasso painting?” He doesn’t know so I tell him,- “Eyes to the right, nose to the left and all mouth in the middle”. He laughs till sides split and has to be stretch red to hospital. Eye, nose and throat hospital, no doubt.
ThursdayMan on radio says 50% of all road accidents occur within five miles of home. So why don’t peoples move ten miles away ? Anatole, my faithless producer, phones to chat about next prediction. He says there is too much sex and violence in the theatre so they are putting up signs asking for audiences to behave themselves.
FridayI am guest of honour at big do in city. Lots of fund managers, brokers, corporate chappies and loan sharks. We are here to celebrate amalgamation of the EU and NATO to be known under the acronym EURO-NATE. Too many vodkas and I sing, “Hairy Fairy” in street at 4am Police arrest me just as paparazzi take snapshots of me falling about. Dim and Slob hand out exclusive rights contract to ten photographers. We make a packet as you say in East Finchley.
Saturday & SundaySobering up. Read Tolstoy’s Peace & War backwards. Thinking of becoming suffragette in convent. Toodle pip until next week. Rude
Posted by Don Read at 07:03 0 comments

Natasha Fallenover’s Blog No 8

My daily doings. .

Monday.
You Anglish miss so many opportunitities . I give example. You have rugby man called Austin Healey named after great British 1950 sports car, yes ? You have pretty film actress, Minnie Driver named after little British car , yes ? So how come they never made a road movie ?
Anatole, my producer, phones from Hollyhead-or was it Hollywood ? Says Speilberg wants me for big budget movie where dinosaurs take up ballet and prance around gobbling up all and sundry. I play hands on, up front, latest squeeze of Brad Pitt who fights off terrifying monsters with pen knife. I think about it. Not sure pen knife is right weapon for big budget movie.

Tuesday.
Limbering up (and down). We ballet divas have to be fat, no fit, and in good shape for strenuous roles. Spend five hours at the barre. Fall flat on face. Too many vodkas.

Wednesday.
EMI calls and wants me for a record with Robbie Williams and Coldplay. ! Suggest big orchestral version of “Hairy Fairy”, Robbie can sing first chorus, Mr Coldplay tinkle piano and I dance the rest. Should make big impact. Sell zillions. Big TV spectacular to follow direct from 02 with support band – Rolling Bricks.

Thursday.
Dimitri, my choreographer, brings me sketches for ballet routine for King Kong-The Ballet. At theatres all over UK they have the builders in enlarging proscenium arch to accommodate the big monster.(King Kong-not me, silly) First fifty rows of seats must go on health and safety grounds. Projected grand opening night May 14th, 2015. so plenty of time for rehearsaling.

Go to Abbey Rd studios and practice walk across zebra crossing in time for photocall. Scratch my name on wall next to Paul McCartney. (whoever he is). Stop traffic for two hours to get right stance for photo man. Traffic warden sticks ticket on my tutu. Says I must pay congestion charge. I tell him I personal friend of Borris Johnson, Mayor of London. With name of Borris must have Russian blood.

Friday
My friend Olga (Korzitzov) comes round and brings her American cousins,Hank and Yank. Explains that they are here doing tour of churches. Hank says he thinks British church people very magnanimous because they run competitions with big prizes. “How you explain we ask?”. “Well”, says Hank, “Yesterday we drive through Hampshire on way to Salisbury and see sign saying “Winchester Cathedral”. I tell Yank “hey, man, “Some competition eh ?”. “Crazy, man”, says Yank. “But what would you do with Chester Cathedral if you won it ?”

Saturday.
Dimitri says he refuses to sing song I like from 1940s America. Song called “I Walk Alone”. Dim says he cannot sing song about someone who wore cologne. Dimitri stupid. He in planning spin-offs of BBC Radio 4 programme, “You And Yours”. Spin offs will be called “Him And Hers, Them And Theirs”, and Mine And His”. No I don’t understand, either.

Sunday
Slob asked me to explain newspaper headline: Who’s Got A Taboo Tutu Under Her Tattered Tutu ?
I disclose riddle in next blog. Until them Glasnost and if you can’t be careful-be good as you say in Barnsley.

Natasha Fallenover's Blog No7

Doings I have done
Monday
I fly to Paris for linch with Monsieur Sarkozy or Sarkozeeee as they pronounce it. My choreographer, Dimitri asked if he could come along. I say no. I am not having him getting up close and personality with that lovely Mrs. President. No way. As a novelty they gave us lunch on top of the Eiffel Tower. Oh, those stairs !. For starters we had frogs legs on toast, followed by fish and chips to cement the Entende Cordiale. Desert was Asparagus Cheesecake with snails pieces in a chilli sauce. Different.

Tuesday
Join Oopsadaisy ballet company in sing song to celebrate their 100th anniversary . They started in a tent in Cleckheaton in 1908 with just one ballerina. Now they have three and a piano player who was there when the company was formed. How they have progressed. I take along first batch of Hairy Fairy cakes as contribution to festivities. We have a right old knees up as you say in Bermondsey.

Wednesday
My friend Olga Korzitzov is back from the Urals with sad news of former choreographer, Rudolf Potemkin. Olga says he fell from his 35th floor Moscow apartment just before his death. “Just before his death ?”, I exclaim. “Yes,” replied dear Olga, who is two tutus short of a Bolshoi, “He died thirty seconds later”.

Thursday
My tour manager, Slobodan O’Riley is part time inventor man. He showed me his latest gizmo-singing umbrella. It goes like this. When rain hits special sensor, activation of mini CD player secreted in top of umbrella plays just one tune-Gene Kelly singing, “Singing In The Rain”. This provides inspiration for umbrella operator to run down street, miming to Mr Kelly whilst dancing and jumping on and off pavement/sidewalk (if you are in America). Dance past smiling policeman, splash through available puddles and bring happiness to community whilst getting soaked through. Whole neighbourhood join in. Good, eh ?

Friday. Working on my big book – big books bring big bucks says my publisher Hyme.(remember his autobiography-“Hyme To The Moon”. Slick title ,eh ?
What is book, you ask ? It is a biography. “Methuselah-The Early Years”.

Saturday

E mail from Hollywood. They want option to do “Methuselah –The Ballet” as a spectacle movie. They will then do a re-make thus creating a pair of spectacles.

Sunday

Read story about Keira Knightley in talks ( why does no one ever have just one talk ?) to be Eliza Doolittle in remake of film, “My Fair Lady”. Big question is will the movie be shown twice Knightley ? Side split joke.

Madonna is not returning my calls again. She didn’t return my calls yesterday or the day before. Maybe deal to team up is off. I get that nice Wales girl instead. She perfect for role of Meths so long as she is prepared to wear long white beard. No sweat as you say in Whitechapel. Why do people in East Enders say SOMEFINK and wosatsuposamean ?
Can’t they speak the Queen’s Anglish ?

Saturday, 14 June 2008

NATASHA FALLENOVER’S BLOG NO 7
Doings I have done
Monday
I fly to Paris for linch with Monsieur Sarkozy or Sarkozeeee as they pronounce it. My choreographer, Dimitri asked if he could come along. I say no. I am not having him getting up close and personality with that lovely Mrs. President. No way. As a novelty they gave us lunch on top of the Eiffel Tower. Oh, those stairs !. For starters we had frogs legs on toast, followed by fish and chips to cement the Entende Cordiale. Desert was Asparagus Cheesecake with snails pieces in a chilli sauce. Different.
Tuesday
Join Oops A Daisy ballet company in sing song to celebrate their 100th anniversary . They started in a tent in Cleckheaton in 1908 with just one ballerina. Now they have three and a piano player who was there when the company was formed. How they have progressed. I take along first batch of Hairy Fairy cakes as contribution to festivities. We have a right old knees up as you say in Bermondsey.
Wednesday
My friend Olga Korzitzov is back from the Urals with sad news of former choreographer, Rudolf Potemkin. Olga says he fell from his 35th floor Moscow apartment just before his death. “Just before his death ?”, I exclaim. “Yes,” replied dear Olga, who is two tutus short of a Bolshoi, “He died thirty seconds later”.
Thursday
My tour manager, Slobodan O’Riley is part time inventor man. He showed me his latest gizmo-singing umbrella. It goes like this. When rain hits special sensor, activation of mini CD player secreted in top of umbrella plays just one tune-Gene Kelly singing, “Singing In The Rain”. This provides inspiration for umbrella operator to run down street, miming to Mr Kelly whilst dancing and jumping on and off pavement/sidewalk (if you are in America). Dance past smiling policeman, splash through available puddles and bring happiness to community whilst getting soaked through. Whole neighbourhood join in. Good, eh ?
Friday.
Working on my big book – big books bring big bucks says my publisher Hyme.(remember his autobiography-“Hyme To The Moon”. Slick title ,eh ?What is book, you ask ? It is a biography. “Methuselah-The Early Years”.
Saturday
E mail from Hollywood. They want option to do “Methuselah –The Ballet” as a spectacle movie. They will then do a re-make thus creating a pair of spectacles.
Sunday
Read story about Keira Knightley in talks ( why does no one ever have just one talk ?) to be Eliza Doolittle in remake of film, “My Fair Lady”. Big question is will the movie be shown twice Knightley ? Side split joke.Madonna is not returning my calls again. She didn’t return my calls yesterday or the day before. Maybe deal to team up is off. I get that nice Wales girl instead. She perfect for role of Meths so long as she is prepared to wear long white beard. No sweat as you say in Whitechapel. Why do people in East Enders say SOMEFINK and wosatsuposamean ?Can’t the speak the Queen’s Anglish ?
Posted by Don Read at 07:16

Natasha Fallenover's Blog No 2

Natasha Fallenover's blog4

NATASHA FALLENOVER’S BLOG N0 4.

Glasnost and utmost greeting to all and one
it is time to tell you more about my background. I assume you have all seen my front ground, yes ?
Did you know my great uncle Vanya was a bigwig in the hairpiece business ? You didn’t know that ? Well you soon will.
He used to tell the split siding anecdote about when he had travelled 1200 mile to see a customer in Urals and spent five hours making a pitch (as they say in the trade), he was getting nowhere. Then customer finally said, “O.K. I place an order with you but there is just one more thing I want to know. Can you swim in it ? Uncle Vanya overcome with exasperation replied, “No comrade, but if you turn it upside down and fill it full of water your goldfish can” Oh, how we giggled.

Monday.
Working with editor of Goodbye magazine to start competition finding song names for British town like America has. Examples-“I Left My Heart In San Fransisco,”
how about “I Left My Spleen In Wolverhampton” ?.”New York, New York” might become “Newcastle, Newcastle”. Or “Do You Know What It Means To Miss New Orleans”, (could be equivalent of “Do You Know What It Means To Miss Chorlton Cum Hardy”*. “The Girl From Impanima” (yes I know it’s not in real America) This could be doctor’s favourite bossa nova when retitled, “The Girl From Impetigo”.
“Swansea, Swansea, how I love you, how I love you” by Al Jolson.
Please to send me your digestions...
* Miss Chorlton Cum Hardy was winner of the Miss Chorlton Cum Hardy beauty contest in 1932 and she certainly knew what it meant to her!

As you know Dimitri is my choreographer and my tour manager is Slobodan O’Riley (his mother, she travel a lot). To me they are Dim and Slob, which, come to think about it is very appropriate. They are my left and right hand men.

Tuesday.
It rains all day so take opportunity to put on tutu, ballet shoes and put up umbrella. Go out on street and practice “Singing In The Rain” to record of Gene Kelly singing “Singing In The Rain” on wind up gramophone carried by Slob. Pedestrians are much amused by this display of wet choreography and clap profusely. Dim hold hat and we collect £2.50 and three bent safety pins,. which come in handy as tutu is splitting several places.

Wednesday.

WE go take a look at Royal Opera House just in case we get to do ballet there some day. Big auditorium. Remind me of joke I heard at the Bolshoi in Moscow. This is it. What do you do when the orchestra stalls ? Answer is sober up the conductor. This good joke no ?
Puts me in mind of limerick which is Irish place but no relation. Goes like this:

A very tall lady named Gillian
Played the lottery and won half a million
She said “I would like
A big motor bike”
And she steered it whilst sat on the pillion.
Side splits yes ?

Thursday
I sleep all day and drink all night with pals from Oops A Daisy ballet company who want me for a fairy. I ask what would a fairy want with me but they insist I audition for part.

Friday
Audition for Oops A Daisy ballet company but fail on account of my bad bunions.

Saturday and Sunday
Contemplate my naval.

See you next week. Free Vladivostok now ! Love from Nat

PS hear me sing “Hairy Fairy”. OK. So I am a bass/baritone but nobody’s perfect.
www.youtube.com/donread

Natasha Fallenover's blog 3

NATASHA FALLENOVER’S BLOG NO 3.

What a busy week I am doing. Monday morning I go shopping for new TuTu and ballet shoes. I need cash. I go the hole in one-no that’s not right-hole in wall as you say. I insert card and push buttons. Out comes twenty pound note. I push it back in slot and say in loud voice, “No, please to give me four fivvers”. Little man inside machine does not answer. I raise voice louder. “I want four fivvers, please”. Nothing happens. Now I am rattled, as you say. I shout in very loud voice, “If you do not give me four fivvers I report you to Mr Barclay, boss of your bank. Man behind me in queue laughs. Laugh wiped off his face when four fivvers are pushed out of slot. I say to man who looks amazed. “You see if you don’t try you don’t get”

Lunch with my choreographer, Dimitri(Dim for short) to discuss routine for forthcoming “King Kong-the ballet” in which I play one women prodiction. Dimitri is tough cookie and ruthless. He is totally without ruth but a sweetie. He is also without list.

Tuesday.
I fall during rehearsal and bang my big toe. I am beside myself – my favourite position. But I carry plasters in my rug sack and search underneath rug and all the other todoodlements an artiste of my statue must have at all time in case of misadventure.

Wednesday.
Breakfast with Anatole, my producer. After breakfast we carry on in bed. until Thursday. (see amazing revelations in my forthcoming autobiography published in Goodbye magazine). We discuss concept for TV show based on “An Evening With Darcey Bushel”. We think “A Nightmare With Rudemiller” is not quite right. But ITV is interested.

My friend Olga Korzitov phones for the Urals to say that “Hairy Fairy” –the song Pieter Tchaikovsky wrote for me, is number 10897 in Vladivostok charts. and climbing.

Thursday.
Spend day contemplating on meaning of life. Did you know Paganini was a
genius composer? At eight years old he wrote a nice cantata, for the French he coined the famous Franc sonata. My choreographer, Dimitri, says he has been offered part time job as programme seller at coronations. Millions of people go to coronations so must make a packet. Saw newspaper advert for electric goods. One says “ I Pod Shuffle”. Sounds like 1920 dance routine. Must get music. Above I Pod advert it says. “Free Skins” I could do with a free skin. I wonder if they have one my size.

Friday
Meet with advertising executives. Discuss promotion of new dance craze-the Quango. They say it is update version of Tango only group of people in suits meet to discuss better ways of promoting the Tango They then get paid large sums of money and buy big house in Spain. I think I join. I think they like my slogan for lovely holiday. It goes like this . “Feeling stressed, tired and run down ? Romania is what you need. Why not book a rest in Bucharest ? “ Clever you think, no ?

Must go more green. I am already quite green. Green with envy due to people saying Darcey is best ballet dancer. Must sell car and dance to go shopping. Glasnost forever. Rude

Saturday and Sunday Mind your own business.