A Blog On The Landscrape by Natasha Fallenover

A BLOG

ON THE

LANDSCRAPE

NATASHA FALLENOVER’S DAILY DOINGS

AS TOLD TO DON READ

SHE ASKED IF SHE COULD HELP WITH THE COMMUNITY SUSTAINABILITY PROJECT. THEY SAID SHE COULD BE THE STAIN

Her friend Olga Korzitov (Ripper) narrowly avoided a nasty accident when she was stocktaking her handbag. She fell in and had to be rescued by the emergency services. It took them three hours to get her out.

Hear Nat sing her theme song “Hairy Fairy” (Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy”) at www.youtube.com/donread then Google her to read her 16 blogs.

Introduction to Natasha Fallenover

A BLOG

ON THE

LANDSCRAPE
NATASHA FALLENOVER’S DAILY DOINGS
AS TOLD TO DON READ
SHE ASKED IF SHE COULD HELP WITH THE COMMUNITY SUSTAINABILITY PROJECT. THEY SAID SHE COULD BE THE STAIN


Her friend Olga Korzitov narrowly avoided a nasty accident when she was stocktaking her handbag. She fell in and had to be rescued by the emergency services. It took them three hours to get her out.

Natasha Fallenover Blog 16

Blog 16 My Daily doings and goings on

Monday
Popped round to see Olga at her new flat. She is kneeling on floor with map of UK. She is saving up for a table. Olga is preparing for her nationwide tour and checking geographical statistics. She is running her index finger (that’s the one tattooed with INDEX on it), along the A38 from Plymouth. Having traveled an exhausting two inches she gives up and says, with a question mark expression, “Nat, darling, where the hell is Euphoria ?”

I think I play little joke on Olga and tell her it is three inches away from Utopia. I leave her pondering.
NOTE: If you don’t know which finger is index Google it and get it tattooed so you will always know.

Tuesday.
Local record shop phones to say he has received copy of my favourite recordings collection. “Collected Recorded Works Of Grievous Bodily Leg” part 22.” They are favourite Plunk combo. I listen all ears wearing my black plastic tutu for effect.

Wednesday
My personal trainer, Step Lively calls and has me swinging from chandelier in effort to get me fit as fiddle. Afterwards we go for huge burger and chips plus cream cakes. This is only way he can keep me as his client. He says I am an inspiration. After keep fit sessions I think he means I am a perspiration.

I read in Daily Bugle that hardened criminal suspect is a trade union official and police say he must be caught before he strikes again. Chuckles all round.

Thursday
Must reiterate poem about Olga so as not to create impression that she is no longer.
I made up poem that went like this:

I once had a girl friend named Olga
Who decided to swim down the Volga
At Minsk she said “I will try a Minsk pie”
She choked -there’s no longer an Olga from Volga

She says she is alive and well. She wants you to know that Minsk is in Belarus and on rivers Svislach and Negiba. Be that as it is they don’t rhyme with Olga so there. !

Friday

Tell me do you say I or Me ? Everyone has I Phone but I call it Me Phone. I download latest App. HugApp. Press button and it makes you want to hug person nearest to you which is all very well if you are standing next to nice man but could put you in trouble with police if person is objectionable. Download now and try.See you in court.

Saturday

Rehearsalising with Ballet Babes-singing group from Oops A Daisy ballet. They are to back me on recording of "Hairy Fairy" with full orchestra under conductor man called Llewellyn. Apparantly he is cross dresser, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday he is Lew and the rest of the week Hellen.

Sunday

Guest appearance in "Eastenders". Learn to say things like SOMEFINK and WOZATSUPOSETAMEEN.there is always a party at the Queen Vic and one is in full swing as I arrive. I ask props man what festivities it is this time. "I dunno". he says with sly grin. "I think someone has found a lost shoelace". Cheers, matey as they say in Queen Vic NAT

Natasha Fallenover's Blog 15

Nat's Blog 15 Monday
By now you all know me intimidately so Idon't stand on ceremony (only on my toes).
You want to know more about Oops A Daisy ballet company. As you know it started in Dewsbury with just one dancer and a pianist. Now with Arts Council grant of £4-50 they have expansioned to become big and have recruited international ballet persons from all over the place. Some have strange names but I expect they think you have. Here goes:

corpes de ballet
Gethsemini Hypotenuse, Parsifal Skirtingboard, Wombat Yellowgroin,Xerxes Blasphema. Velocity Spearmint, Osmosis Parabola, Archimedes Celocamph. Appotimus Wotnot and Uriah Hep

The Orchestra

Asparagus J. Fortitude (J is for Jim). Genghis Obelisk, Pythagoras Splurting, Pontius Perambulate and Musical Directors: Hugo Yorway and Domestos Spasmodic.

Tuesday.

Olga phones to tell me about audition she did yesterday. It was to join audience in Saturday night TV shows. "They ask her, "Show us how loud you can scream when I blink an eyelid" Then when singer reaches for a slightly higher note you must scream higher" I pass but then we all have to take bus to Covent Garden Opera House and repeat instruction when soprano dies on stage. We are asked to leave. We are then locked in large cupboard until next show". They hire us out.

Wednesday
I enrole for participate in new Saturday night TV show to follow "Strictly Come Dancing" It is for old persons and called "Strictly Come Walking Slowly".

Thursday
Figure out answer to age old quandry. You know when persons cannot answer question they say silly things like "How Long Is A Piece Of String? " Well I can tell you. 24cm exactly.Prove me wrong if you can.. .

Friday. Dimitri dreams up publicity stint.Says we all go round to St Panceas station and on signal we launch into gopak, you know when Ukrainans kneel and defy gravity by flinging legs out to music and shout "Hoy", "Yar", and "Ouch" when break leg. Idea is that we start proceedings and all travellers join in spontaneously. Much merryment and TV cameras there to put us on Six O'Clock News.

We arrive at St. Pancreas and start to gopak. Police come and say we cause disturbance. I say "Yes, that is idea. Big disturbance where everyone join in". Policeman say you can't gopak here you must go back !" He laughs. We continue to gopak and happy travellers join in. Soon almost six ticket collectors form line, place arms round each other and it's go go gopak.

Ambulance arrives and carts us off to A&E for proceedures (operations in old money) due to broken bones and dignity. Over at Waterloo they are doing Flashmob. Next time we try to get mob to flash.

Saturday and Sunday
practice mob flashing in street but get arrested for causing disturbances. Can't win. See you in court 10- am Monday. See you in Trafalgar Square for mass Hokey Cockey. Date and time to be announced. NAT

Natasha Fallenover's Blog 13

Monday

Invited to literally linch to launch of my tome, “Methuselah, The Early Years” where I meet man from Warsaw who loves Anglish newspaper so much he has one flown in every day. Says he is a Telegraph Pole. Ho! how we chortled ! Also introduced to a Cosmo. Couldn't help asking him if he was Cosmo Politan. More chuckles.

Introduced to literally giant Sebastian Chatworthy. To get conversation going I ask him, “Tell me Bastian how did you get your knighthood ? He walked away.No humour senses.

Speaking of knighthoods reminds me of footballer who when asked if he would like a knighthood said, “No it would come off when he turned over in bed”.

Tuesday.

Flew to New York but engine trouble provoked pilot to announce slight engine failure. We will force come down in Newfoundland. An hour later he said he couldn’t find it.

To pass time I think up backwards names for famous double acts-Wise and Morecambe, Hardy and Laurel. Cowell and Simon.

Wednesday Slobodan, my faithless assistant, says we should go watch Rugby. We head north on M1, turn off onM6, turn left and pull in at lay by.

“So, where is activity we have come to see ? I say. Slob has quickfire answer. “Look, Rugby- a great little town Could watch it all day. Tomorrow we go watch Badminton. Another great little town They have horse trials. Last time I go three were found guilty and two were acquitted”.

Thursday. Read Peace and War frontwards. Standing on head. It was Dmitri’s . Invite fiends round for drink and games. Get in crater of beer. First game we play Tiddly Winks. Drink beer, get tiddly and wink at nice men. Then pay forfeit. No details.

Friday A person called Badly Drawn Boy phones to say can I do guest appearance in his stage show. I tell him I am beautiful painted geriatric and put phone down. Cheeky.

Saturday I give first lesson to ballet person, Miranda Verandah, Dim's new squeeze. She not best pleased when I give her invoice for £2. 50 plus VAT. Cheap price for learning pas de deaux in half an hour and I give her phone number of Covent Garden Opera house. What more does she expect ?

Sunday Anatole, my unknown famous movie man phones to say he make error when he persistently told me Hollywood was interested in my prediction of "King Kong-The Ballet". He said he meant Hollyhead, however he gave me good news that he went to boot sale and bought the world's smallest King Kong. He is just three foot high. "Sign him" I say. We make a packet.

Tickety boo to you all. See you next week. Nat

NATASHA FALLENOVER'S BLOG 13

Natasha’s Blog 13 Daily activities and doings

Monday

Invited to literally linch to launch of my tome, “Methuselah, The Early Years” where I meet man from Warsaw who loves Anglish newspaper so much he has one flown in every day. Says he is a Telegraph Pole. Ho! how we chortled !

Introduced to literally giant Sebastian Chatworthy. To get conversation going I ask him, “Tell me Bastion how did you get your knighthood ? He walked away.

Speaking of knighthoods reminds me of footballer who when asked if he would like a knighthood said, “No it would come off when he turned over in bed”.

Tuesday.

Flew to New York but engine trouble provoked pilot to announce slight engine failure. We will force come down in Newfoundland. An hour later he said he couldn’t find it.

To pass time I think up backwards names for famous double acts-Wise and Morecambe, Hardy and Laurel. Cowell and Simon.

Wednesday Slobodan, my faithless assistant, says we should go watch sporting activities. We head north on M1, turn off onM6 and along A …., Pull in at lay by.

“So, where is activity we have come to see ? I say. Slob has quickfire answer. “Look, Rugby a great little town Could watch it all day. Tomorrow we go watch Badminton. Another great little town They have horse trials. Last time I go three were found guilty and two were acquitted”.

Thursday. Read Peace and War frontwards. Standing on head. It was Dmitri’s .